the past years i have almost died of cancer alergies and the like. i have lost my jobs several friends and im not sure i can go on. I have learned that i cannot trust my parents so many times it non negotiable now. I post this from a phone stranded in vegas again and this is not the first time they have done this this year. I will go home dejected and again somehow blamed for it. life I guess is shit for me and something for which i will not recover death seems preferable. i will refuse treatment for this cancer

I'm not sure why I'm writing this actually I'm awake and I'm just well left out I feel left out most of the time and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm just editing until the middle of the night and well I'm editing. tomorrow is well I guess today is halloween and I'm not sure what I'm doing going to but I'm doing something tonight dammit. I also signed up for nanowrimo wonder how that is going to turn out.

Wow i have ben either in sac or sf for 3 of the last 4 weeks. I've ben on the road alot and this is something i needed i found out. As i have ben posting most thiungs from my phone its ben interesting creating content on the road. most times i will just dump it onto my desktop but this wasnt feasable this time so instead my mac gets to travel even though this isn't what it was designed for. i sacrafice my content if i dont. So im bring it all on the road again.

So the world as I see it was interesting. Well interesting isn't exactly the word that I would put it it's something more like well informative? Today I'm restless I went to the mac store to pick up a new OS which might I add is awesome and much faster on apps I wonder why? I know my writing is sort of rusty since I haven't been doing it lately. However today is different. Today I was told that I have cancer once again something that was told to me about the same time last year. So to put it lightly I was feeling bummed.

So what do I do? Stuff myself full of food and head out to watch the fire. I had no idea where to go but I went and when I got close enough I got to the arroyo and found that there was a great overlook to JPL that had a great fire watching perspective. I met a few people all fire watchers as well who couldn't sleep and would rather watch the fire instead of just smell it. I'm not sure why I came it was over 40 miles away and well I could see it from my house. The fires I smelled are far to the east in Idyllwild but these captured the imagination with flames licking the sky caressing it with smoke and lithely crackling in the distance.

I like the fires ,though not close to houses. I like how they do a dance that you just don't see normally. But what is normal in southern california? Rain, no. Winds, no. Nice weather and homogenous life green and brown a modern oasis in the desert parches landscapes. We choose to live here for the weather and we risk everything for that dream that cohesion that life. We risk it all to fire earthquake weather yet we live here in peace or no peace forever until it crumbles.

Peace influxes the crumbles.

So the job search is still that a search. I haven't gotten any jobs other then acting gigs and it's really quite frustrating when you think that you are someone and it feels like you only have a high school diploma. But the comfort of the unemployment checks however finite is well satisfying. I'm sure the economy will get better but my job prospects are pretty grim.

However saying that the future of me going to law school or grad school again is brighter. I know that I'm not sure if I want to go into that again but it's an option that could be serviced due to the economy. Will I get money to work I have no idea but I guess that the world as it is today is more competitive and more diffuse then it had been previous times.

I kind of am glad that the recession happened we had not had one this bad for a long while and the generations of spoiled kids after me will learn a valuable lesson which my mother taught me. Your education and knowledge cannot be taken from you only your money and possessions. I take that to heart as I have never been rich nor do I plan on making myself rich somehow (unless it is the occasional lotto ticket).I know that if I am happy that that's enough for me.

I've learned with cancer and deadly illness that happiness and the fleeting things in life are just that fleeting. I often am caught up in the things that I think are necessities but they aren't. I buy useless things and carry on with things that I don't even need. But am I happy? Yes and that happiest moments is to know that I am cancer free and safe and not sick anymore. You take for granted your health until you are in the hospital about to die or being told that it's ok but if doesn't get better we have to do other methods that may be more lethal and more lifesaving. To be told one day you have a high high risk of dying and the next that you only have the high risk of losing hair. In my case it changed my hair color which is interesting if only for the amusing aspect of it.

I've already lived a life where people don't believe me and don't understand me and I'm ok with that. I know that even after I'm dead no one will know my name but I know that I made a difference in the world if not for good at least I mattered.

So life goes on it's scary to know that the cancer may come back again but I can go on and still be alive today that's all the counts.

So I haven't written in here for a long ass time. 6 weeks or so actually and I'm lost tired and just moved back with my parents to save money. I don't konw what will happen from here but being unemployed like so many other people is intersting and well satisfying becuase I have unemployment and just kicking back trying to find a job.

Finding a job in this market is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I don't see anything I can't get call backs but I do get some interviews with places out of the area. My choices are actually in Hollywood, Ghana, or San Bruno. I won't say what it is but it's looking hopeful I have had the backround checks and now it's just time to wait? Cash is a neccesity and it was scary for a few weeks there but I didn't want to worry about it or get money from my parents. I have bills like everyone else and to get the unemployment even for a finate amount of time is comforting like a blanket on a cold day.

I still have my car it's nearly new I say nearly becuase it is currently full of possesions and sand. Sand you might ask is from the high amount of times that I was able to go to the beach lately. Recently it was great because of the wonderful waves (dangerous) and just spectacular specimens out there. Word of caution you should probably not be in tide pools during a high surf event unless you like being soaked and covered in small crabs. I know that sounds odd but I am strangly attracted to water like an arsonist is to fire. It's not like I'm going to go to your town to flood something but it's something my friends like to say is my secret autism. Oh well life goes on and now if you have read this you know something odd about me.

Recently I have been trying to sort out my financial priorities down since I have to pay off a large ticket plus I need to buy a new hard drive. Bleh at least I was able to research while window shopping. Dang macs things aren't compatible but I know that the western digital one I was eying is the one for me since I can't use the seagate one for PC. Bleh at least I can use firewire.

Hmm what else I went to vegas that was fun and I went to sf then sd lots of places. I want to go home where is that? Oh well.

I had this dream whilst in Las Vegas. I was there with my parents and sharing a room with fortunately or unfortunately my mother, father, brother, niece, and nephew. Sleep was like the smell of the room smoky stinky hot. I had to leave and to get outside to get air. I walked through the Casino (Imperial Palace) which is creepy and small but once I get out into the sunlight.

Once I crossed the street to go to the bus stop to visit my friend Sammi in the south strip I was greeted by a bus but unfortunately it was a large bus version of Bette Midler. I got in she winked at us waiting. I paid and we flew to everywhere anyone needed to go in Vegas. So I’m freaked out cause I was ok and flew in a Bette Midler (a giant Bette Midler) “bus” and that was the end of the dream. What does that all mean?

This week has been really long and I'm glad it's the weekend so I can wind down. I've had things tossed at me from left and right the whole week other then my regular duties and since I work in communications/marketing and am the lowest on the totem pole I get to do menial things and very technical things in the same day. It's been trying and everything this week makes me feel stupid including my dyslexia. Back and forth I feel like I'm making mistakes (which I am ) but I can't see my mistakes which in the long run is worse off. Spell check cannot check my things if I spell another word instead of the one that I meant. Sigh I feel like a moron half the time and the other half I feel overwhelmed with work. Coupled with the fact that I am not paid enough it makes for a volatile situation. I know also that I do a good job on certain things and I'm never told so and that's really demoralizing they just ok and leave it be. this juggling cannot go on forever I feel like I need to just leave. I only now got a new computer for video editing and I am very grateful since it is so much faster and more reliable.

I think I have to break up with my bf not because I don't like him but it seems like I don't have enough time for him and he told me so. I really do like him alot and I don't want work to interfere. Sigh my whole life is work now since I can't drink and I can't really go out and my friiends are spread out.

The one glimmer of hope is that Ford and the Fiesta movement is giving me a car I have to pick it up in venice then be driven to bumfuck no where and pick it up on a closed racetrack which is fun. Then drive it home and commence my regular living.

So if you all didn't know if you're not connected to my other social media things. I won a prototype car in a contest for 6 months. You can see it here :

So basically I have a mission there are 1000 missions for the 100 people who win and I am one of them. I feel like I was mistaken but I am so excited to get a car even if it is stick. I'm just I'm still shocked I won and I look forward to doing this. I hope that the other agents as we are called are just as excited. I want to thank Ford as well for picking me it was a great thing to bring together the community to see the different perspectives and persona's that are out there on youtube.

So my hip hurts today and I'm not sure why I'm hurting though my other side of the hips is sooo much better. I dunno. I hate this feeling but I dunno again what to do. the weather is so glorious and I wishI could do something esles as I watch a coffee bean worker read off a script and other people writing things while others look at models. what a strange world that we live in that I see these things all the time so different from my work just outside
my window. who knows.

Ry Ry

It's kinda fun to be in a coffee shop with very loud people who are trying to get a sewat too and it's fun to see all the cute people areound though I wish I had access to a plug but alas there aren't really alot. I want to find a cafe with a plug spot that I can deal with. But again life goes again I wonder if i go to the pharmacy or the out of the closet I will find someone or something to do. I guess I only have an hour of use and that's enough because I should probably go home. However this is the real reason that I bought this ultra portable small insanely so.

I guess I should tell you all about my day. Introspective and strange as it was. I know that I am the person here first and the person who leaves last and it's annoying most times but oh well. I'm not going to say that the other people work less they just work differently. I don't mind until they are gone and I have to be asked to change the website without any real knowlage to do so. It's not that I'm completely in the dark but it was differnt today and I was able to change teh links and do what I needed to do eventually without real problem. The only time I get freaked out is when I say that I can do something and then find out I don't have the computer tools to actually finish the job and I have to jockey for people to figuire out what to do since I can't really do it.

There is something really calming about doing something that was sooo ingrained and so normal when I was in college again. It's calming which allows me to people watch and stare without being guilty and well voyeuristic. I should get an HIV test.

So this year has been really quite trying on me. If you all didn't know I almost died from cancer and in the last few days I almost died of a food allergy to the point where I passed out on my kitchen floor moments after I shot myself with epinephrine. The feeling that you were about to die is always well strange to say the least. Life is put into perspective really fast and you realize the priorities you set for yourself are strange. I don't know how to explain it but things that effect your life and the way that you live make perspective warped.

I'm not sure what else to say about it but I need to travel while I can and I need to enjoy life as I can asap. I'm not dying soon but that was closer then what I was expecting. the fact that I could get run over by an errant car or an illness just well spooks a person. I need to take a hike I need to hang out with friends and I need to do things that are for me and I know that sounds really quite selfish but I do. So if you are in my life or even just on my internet life tell me what should I do? If you knew you were going to die what would you do?
Thanks

http://www.aidshealth.org/news/press-releases/bms-pulls-aids-diarrhea-ad.html

Drug giant Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) appears to have pulled a controversial print advertising campaign focusing on diarrhea in HIV/AIDS patients that critics say was designed to mislead and frighten patients in an attempt to recruit them away from other manufacturer’s HIV/AIDS drugs to BMS’ own similar medications. BMS’ move comes on the heels of the publication of a parody of the ad criticizing Bristol-Myers Squibb’s AIDS drug advertising tactics that was created by AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) (http://www.aidshealth.org), the largest non-profit HIV/AIDS organization in the US. AHF’s parody has been published in some of the same media outlets where BMS’ original AIDS diarrhea ad campaign ran.

The original BMS ad features a full page image of a toilet piled high with magazines with the ominous headline, “Living with HIV doesn’t mean you have to live here.” The BMS ad also encourages patients to, “Ask your doctor if there are HIV medications with a low risk of diarrhea.”

In its parody, AHF lampoons BMS’ misleading and fear-based patient recruitment advertisement that has been running in targeted gay and AIDS-related press outlets nationwide. AHF’s parody uses the original BMS ad as a template with a ‘black box’ warning superimposed over the top right corner of the ad with a clear notation that the parody is, “A public service announcement from AIDS Healthcare Foundation.” AHF’s public service announcement plays off the BMS ad’s diarrhea-themed headline by adding the blunt sub-headline, “We don’t give a crap how you live as long as you buy our drug!”

“Bristol-Myers Squibb’s ad is a blatant attempt to scare and mislead patients and interfere in the doctor/patient relationship in an attempt to intimidate patients into switching to BMS’ own HIV/AIDS drugs,” said Michael Weinstein, President of AIDS Healthcare Foundation. “AHF opposes such deceptive so-called ‘help-seeking’ advertising tactics and we will continue to educate HIV/AIDS patients to the manipulative, fear-based patient recruitment tactics that BMS is using.”

“This BMS ad campaign injects confusion and profit motives into medical decisions that should be made based solely on one’s medical needs and through conversations and collaboration between health care providers and their patients,” said Homayoon Khanlou, MD, Chief of Medicine/US for AIDS Healthcare Foundation.

“We tweaked and spoofed the BMS ad so that it became a thought-provoking parody exposing the scare tactics used by BMS,” added AHF’s Weinstein. “We are glad that BMS has pulled its ad and hope our parody also serves as a catalyst to raise awareness about other questionable advertising tactics the drug industry employs to increase its profit margins.”
• To view an image of the original BMS AIDS diarrhea ad AHF’s parody spoofing BMS, please visit: www.aidshealth.org

About AHF: AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) is the nation’s largest non-profit HIV/AIDS organization. AHF currently provides medical care and/or services to more than 96,000 individuals in 21 countries worldwide in the US, Africa, Latin America/Caribbean and Asia.

http://www.aidshealth.org/news/press-releases/bms-pulls-aids-diarrhea-ad.html



US’ Largest AIDS Group Blasted Drug Giant With Parody Lampooning Company’s “Living with HIV Doesn’t Mean You Have to Live Here” Toilet-themed Ad Campaign; AHF’s Parody Added the Headline, “We Don’t Give a Crap How You Live as Long as You Buy Our Drug!”

AHF’s Paid Print Public Service Announcement Warns Patients about Bristol-Myers Squibb’s Misleading and Fear-based Campaign to Recruit Patients to its Own HIV Medications

By: AIDS Healthcare Foundation
Los Angeles, CA - February 27, 2009

Drug giant Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) appears to have pulled a controversial print advertising campaign focusing on diarrhea in HIV/AIDS patients that critics say was designed to mislead and frighten patients in an attempt to recruit them away from other manufacturer’s HIV/AIDS drugs to BMS’ own similar medications. BMS’ move comes on the heels of the publication of a parody of the ad criticizing Bristol-Myers Squibb’s AIDS drug advertising tactics that was created by AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) (http://www.aidshealth.org), the largest non-profit HIV/AIDS organization in the US. AHF’s parody has been published in some of the same media outlets where BMS’ original AIDS diarrhea ad campaign ran.

The original BMS ad features a full page image of a toilet piled high with magazines with the ominous headline, “Living with HIV doesn’t mean you have to live here.” The BMS ad also encourages patients to, “Ask your doctor if there are HIV medications with a low risk of diarrhea.”

In its parody, AHF lampoons BMS’ misleading and fear-based patient recruitment advertisement that has been running in targeted gay and AIDS-related press outlets nationwide. AHF’s parody uses the original BMS ad as a template with a ‘black box’ warning superimposed over the top right corner of the ad with a clear notation that the parody is, “A public service announcement from AIDS Healthcare Foundation.” AHF’s public service announcement plays off the BMS ad’s diarrhea-themed headline by adding the blunt sub-headline, “We don’t give a crap how you live as long as you buy our drug!”

“Bristol-Myers Squibb’s ad is a blatant attempt to scare and mislead patients and interfere in the doctor/patient relationship in an attempt to intimidate patients into switching to BMS’ own HIV/AIDS drugs,” said Michael Weinstein, President of AIDS Healthcare Foundation. “AHF opposes such deceptive so-called ‘help-seeking’ advertising tactics and we will continue to educate HIV/AIDS patients to the manipulative, fear-based patient recruitment tactics that BMS is using.”

“This BMS ad campaign injects confusion and profit motives into medical decisions that should be made based solely on one’s medical needs and through conversations and collaboration between health care providers and their patients,” said Homayoon Khanlou, MD, Chief of Medicine/US for AIDS Healthcare Foundation.

“We tweaked and spoofed the BMS ad so that it became a thought-provoking parody exposing the scare tactics used by BMS,” added AHF’s Weinstein. “We are glad that BMS has pulled its ad and hope our parody also serves as a catalyst to raise awareness about other questionable advertising tactics the drug industry employs to increase its profit margins.”
• To view an image of the original BMS AIDS diarrhea ad AHF’s parody spoofing BMS, please visit: www.aidshealth.org

About AHF: AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) is the nation’s largest non-profit HIV/AIDS organization. AHF currently provides medical care and/or services to more than 96,000 individuals in 21 countries worldwide in the US, Africa, Latin America/Caribbean and Asia.

So this is from my phone and i havent posted for a while iguess ill jus tkeep this short oh wells

So I'm at my parents house I don't want to call it home because honestly this hasn't been home for me for a long time. My mom who was trying to give me a hard time about going to church seemingly just disowned me over it . Granted it is her wedding anniversary I still don't care. She said this was important for her but where was she when I needed those people there for the important days? The days of glory when I won a state championship or the days of shame when I told them before I went to college that I was raped and they told me that I was making it up? That was even remembered by my absent minded brothers. Or the day I was in a coma for a week they called you they told me but was not able to leave message or you hung up on them. How about the days that I was alone and hungry and cold while you didn't care. You never as a child told me you loved me or hugged me or anything and I could care less if you write me out of your will you never cared until you realized you were wrong. I don't care anymore your threats and your invocations of your rightness I now know I am not the crazy one you are people who have only hurt me who only care about money without any interest in your actual children. I leave and if I don't care then finewith me. Life goes on People live and die and I've learned not to seek love where love isn't. I would someday like my family to be supportive but it's not coming anytime soon. In fact I should not have come back here ever.

http://www.aidshealth.org/news/press-releases/sierra-leone-aids-director.html

Sierra Leone AIDS Director Praises AHF for “One Million Tests/World AIDS Day 2008” Campaign

“Letter of Appreciation” from Director of National HIV/AIDS Council and Secretariat Acknowledges Successful Collaboration Which Resulted in 23,063 People Being Tested for HIV in Sierra Leone in the Week Leading Up to December 1, 2008

By: AIDS Healthcare Foundation
Los Angeles, Ca - December 19, 2008

AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) is proud to announce that it has received a “Letter of Appreciation” from the government of Sierra Leone expressing gratitude for AHF’s partnership in the recent “One Million Tests/World AIDS Day 2008” campaign. The worldwide campaign spearheaded by AHF, brought together 1000 global partners in 72 countries, including non-governmental organizations (NGOs), local and national governments, international relief agencies, faith-based organizations and civil society in a collaborative effort to conduct free HIV tests to one million people around the global in observance of World AIDS Day 2008.

Having made a commitment to provide 20,000 free HIV tests to its citizenry as part of the campaign, Sierra Leone’s National HIV/AIDS Council and Secretariat exceeded that goal by conducting 23,063 HIV tests in twelve districts in the week leading up to World AIDS Day, November 26th to December 1st 2008. In a remarkable collaboration between the government, non-profit and private sectors, these tests were conducted in part due to a successful partnership with Inverness Medical Innovations, Inc. who generously donated 10,000 “Determine” HIV tests, half of the total provided to the government of Sierra Leone. Funding for the additional 10,000 tests was provided by AHF.

In the letter, Dr. Brima Kargbo, MD, MPH, Director of the National HIV/AIDS Council and Secretariat, states: “I am pleased to inform you that Sierra Leone tested 23,063 people (9,424 males and 13,639 females). We are very much appreciative of the test kits that were made available for the exercise. We hope our collaboration will continue to be strengthened.”

“We humbly and gratefully receive this acknowledgement from the government of Sierra Leone and would like to return the compliment by praising the remarkable commitment of the National HIV/AIDS Council and Secretariat. We would also like to express our thanks to Inverness for its generous donation of 10,000 HIV tests to the Sierra Leone World AIDS Day effort,” said Terri Ford, Director of Global Advocacy for AIDS Healthcare Foundation. “To make this happen, AHF, the Sierra Leone government and Inverness united in a powerful trio of NGO, government and industry. This is a great example of how, with a united effort, great strides can be made in the fight against AIDS.”

Add Ms. Ford: “We are also pleased to announce that as a result of this successful partnership, AHF has been invited to meet with the Sierra Leone government in Freetown to discuss further collaboration for expanded testing and treatment services in the country.”
Full text of the letter below:
National HIV/AIDS Secretariat
15A Kingharman Road
Brookfields,
Freetown
Sierra Leone

Re: NHAS/WAD/2008

16th December 2008

Terri M. Ford
Director, Global Advocacy
Director, One Million Tests Campaign
AIDS Healthcare Foundation

Dear Terri,

LETTER OF APPRECIATION

On behalf of the National HIV/AIDS Council and its Secretariat I wish to express our profound thanks and appreciation to you and your institution in particular for the recent support in commemorating World AIDS Day 2008 in Sierra Leone. Your support was very timely and clearly manifested the commitment of your institution in partnering with us in the global campaign against the spread of the HIV.

I am pleased to inform you that Sierra Leone tested 23,063 people (9,424 males and 13,639 females). We are very much appreciative of the test kits that were made available for the exercise. We hope our collaboration will continue to be strengthened.

Once more, I register my thanks and appreciation on behalf of the People Living with HIV/AIDS (PLHIV) to you and your entire team. We look forward to a continued close collaboration as we are on the verge of stabilizing the epidemic in Sierra Leone.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Brima Kargbo, MD, MPH, Certified
Director, National HIV/AIDS Secretariat

Click here for pdf letter from Dr. Brima Kargbo.

###

About AHF
AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) is the largest non-profit HIV/AIDS organization in the US. AHF currently provides medical care and/or services to more than 93,000 individuals in 21 countries worldwide in the US, Africa, Latin America/Caribbean and Asia. Additional information is available at www.aidshealth.org.

The play I went to was really quite good but it brought up a bunch of issues for me to tell me I'm not alright yet or well ever be alright honestly. Most days I want to just lie down in traffic and that abused/neglected boy in the play was about extinction and the forward look at parents who deal with crisis. I suppose that there is no way to fix my broken heart and my soul but who knows how long I will be like this and how long it will just effect me. I want to quit everything again and this time of year is the worst thing ever so I just don't look forward to anything honestly. The world is dark and the cigarette in my mind is burning and so is everything else including happiness. I get darker by the day lately and I want to just be a mess drunk and insane wandering. My life is pathetic that way and I hope that the world gets better but it's not anything I can do about it honestly to myself.

I'm at work right now and I'm not supposed to post but I am because well i'm just really really frustrated at everything knowing not everything is permanent I want to just quit and move on that's what I would love to do right now. You ever feel like you just want to scream and get out of the situation you are in alot of people would regard my job as creative and interesting. Me I'm just swamped paying bills updating the social networking sites and all I want to do now is cry. When the bad things in my life overtake the good I just want to scream and the bad including my cancer feel like they are going to overwhelm me at any minute. I feel let out isolated and feel worthless and being washed out like this is making me well insane. It doesn't help that I can't help most of the mistakes I make. My brain is stupid and makes me want to just scream out in pain. Personally I just want to leave and the more you push me the more It goes that way. I want to act and sing and be me and the more I do this job the more I can't. Life couldn't be more successful now why am I miserable?

I wish I hadn't tried so hard on my web based things because now my job is expecting that much work for work things. I'm going to go to my parent's house this weekend and do all the work based things I can shoot for web wise this weekend with the benefit of fast internet and such so I can pad out the site. I'm not sure if that means I need to learn code but it's not the case all the time. Sigh. So basicially because the web sites that are "new media" are not as good as mine I'm gonna have to ramp them up. I also have to do things I wouldn't do myself. I'm just sooo frustrated I know I make mistakes. but I don't want to do this anymore I'm want to just cry alot of times. I have stayed late at night frustrated from my comupter freezing because I promised a video which I can't produce here and it's sooooooo frustrating. I guess I didn't cover my ass I shold have just stayed very bored and annoyed as receptionist. I just want to cry I'm gonig to do that at home tonight I suppose. Either I can give up and go to law school which would be good or I can take those other jobs I dunno what I want right now. I need a drink an stiff one with some coke.